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Love, Peace and Misdirected Anger

01 June 2015 by mindfulsupport


I have this internal peace that I never had before. I can look at my present and past life from a different perspective.  I’ve always had internal chaos in my mind and soul regardless of my external factors. Presently the chaos is on the outside and yet my mind, soul and heart are at the level peace that I’ve never reached before.

My capacity of love was limited as I was afraid to show my truth. I was afraid of the vulnerability. It was through recovery I was given the strength to love myself and my family. It also has given me the ability to express it, unfortunately too late to save my marriage. My children kept me alive but it was my wife that gave me hope and to believe in the future. Ironically she is also the one trying to take it away. Saying I love you has always been hard for me to say. Trusting people has always been a challenge for me. For many years I was afraid to say those words and I deprived my wife of hearing them and myself for saying them. Expressing love is a sign of strength not weakness. I feel sad for her if she truly believes that I never loved her. I would rather believe she’s just trying to hurt me.

I’ve come to terms with the failure of my marriage and made peace with the fact that I’m joining the other 50% of people that joined the divorce club. Friends looked at us as we were the couple, which was going to make it. We always had our ups and downs however it was us against the world and we took on everything that was thrown at us. In 1997 I forgot that and 2013 she forgot, I guess that makes us even!  People were envious of our relationship including Jonathan. He was in my house when he called me the man. He’s the man and now he’s failing her too. He was better off being the other guy as that role is easier to play. She’s spending time being angry with me. Does he know that she continues to communicate regularly with me via Facebook? Even though she breaking her condition of bail by indirectly communicating with me, I have no desire to inform the police.  For the longest time I just wanted to hold her, I hope he finds a way to hold her without her anger or pain.

Part of recovery is finding your authentic self and my anger was imbalanced and misguided and I said things that were hurtful. It’s a shame she couldn’t see past the anger however I do understand. A part of me will always love her but I do understand that I have to protect myself by setting boundaries. She clearly knows what I need as my requests were put in writing. Once again I had misdirected anger in the past and now she has misdirected anger at me, I guess that makes us even!

I honestly believe if it wasn’t for the cancer we would still be together. The cancer changed everything and I accept the new path I’m on. I also believe her misguided anger is also keeping her alive. I truly understand misguided anger and the power and control it has. Every interaction with her in the last two years has been her taking shots at me and it’s a double edge sword. On one hand when she throws a punch or shoots a bullet at me I know she’s doing fine and has the strength to fight. On the other hand I’m on the receiving end of the attack. I won’t stop her from throwing the punches.

Examples of why there’s no need for me to ask about her wellbeing:

  • I knew she was fine when she kicked the front door in to my residence.
  • I knew she was fine when she brought Jonathan to the courtroom and both were laughing at my expense.
  • I knew she was fine when she gave our son the Camaro. I prayed for his safety and it was the best thing that could’ve ever happened when he was stopped by the police for driving at excess speed of 200 km/h on the main road which was not even a highway. He was not to blame, a teenager has no business having access to a vehicle with unrestricted supervision.
  • I knew she was fine when she went away on vacation on what would have been our 20th anniversary.
  • I knew she was fine when she sent a letter claiming that she felt threaten even though in 20 years I never hit her nor raised my hands to her nor implied it directly or indirectly.
  • And there’s many more examples of why I know she’s doing fine.

I’m being portrayed as a bad / neglectful husband. Any relationship that lasts 20 years will have a list of mistakes and bad decisions.  It’s unfortunate that all the good I did was forgotten.

  • When I refused to leave the hospital when the doctors said there was nothing wrong.
  • I knew we were over our heads and I wanted to us to go to Gilda’s Club for support. She forgot how I was clearing my schedule for us to go together. She got mad at me and chose to deal with it on her own.
  • I wanted to travel with her before and after the cancer.
  • We bought a $30,000 Camaro that we couldn’t afford to make her happy (which she is using against me)
  • And there are many more examples of me doing right by her.

She knows me well and is using the knowledge against me and is trying to affect my mindset. I also know her well and I know she won’t back down. Anybody that knows her for over 20 years knows not to go against her as her wrath will be harsh. That was our joke that I would spin her around so she would lash out at others and not me.

I have hope that one day we can be civil and be friends and I hope she finds the peace and happiness that she deserves.

I have vowed to myself as of September (after the divorce court ruling) I will no longer live the life as a victim nor will I allow anyone else to control my destiny.

I want to end this blog with this point. If you’re in love with someone, go tell them and give them a big hug. It will make you both feel good.

Still standing!

Mindful Support


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Reply from Ontario Ministry of Citizenship…

22 April 2015 by mindfulsupport


I was completely offended and triggered by the ad campaign Who Will You Help which is supported by the Canadian government. I attached my comments to them and their reply below for you to judge for yourself. They are actually admitting to profiling against men in CANADA. A country that continues to preach being a leader in equality. The statistics used are misleading and stray you away from the actual truth.

Its nice to see the government is funding support groups for men however its not being publicly promoted. Have you seen a TV ad, a billboard or an ad on a bus shelter?  Im still looking as well.

Please don’t interpret this as shots against woman, as Im not trying to stop the campaign. Publicly promoting awareness against these crimes and the healing programs is in the right direction and must be continued. Im looking to raise the awareness for men so we can have the same rights and options as woman!

Its replies like the one that I received that make it look like not much has changed from the 70’s, however we must all continue to push against the resistance.

 

Stay strong and you’re no longer alone

Mindful Support

 

 

(Unedited comment)

How many more men have to die before this country acknowledges that men can and are victims of sexual abuse/violence? All your ads portray men as the abusers and woman as the victim. This is an insult to me as a man and especially as a survivor of sexual abuse. Canada preaches equality however continues to fail to protect the men of these horrific crimes. Its great the awareness is growing, unfortunately its one sided. There is enough research to prove that men are victims of these crimes and I’m not even asking for equal ad time. How about if you have five ads, one reflects the male gender as a victim? Give hope to men as well, that they are not alone! We are no longer in the 70’s and nothing has changed since then for men to get help. We are fathers, sons, husbands and we need our government to help us too. Every time you remain silent you are protecting the abuser, sound familiar? #whowillyouhelp the answer is ONLY WOMAN Looking forward to your reply.

 

(Unedited reply below)

Thank you for your March 24th online message regarding Ontario’s sexual violence and harassment action plan and the #WhoWillYouHelp campaign. We appreciate your taking the time to share your feedback on this important issue.

All Ontarians deserve to feel safe in their communities, workplaces, homes and schools from sexual violence and harassment. Yet sexual violence, which is far too prevalent in our society, has a devastating impact on the lives of victims and their families. It’s estimated that one out of three Canadian women will experience some form of sexual assault in their lifetime. 92 per cent of police-reported sexual assault victims 15 and older are women, and in 99 per cent of sexual violence incidents against women, the accused perpetrator is male.

This is the first time that the province has embarked on a public education campaign to raise awareness of sexual violence and harassment. Our campaign is based on strong evidence that sexual assault is a gender-based crime most often perpetrated by men against women: 99 per cent of sexual violence or sexual assault is committed by men, male on-female.

We know that men also experience sexual violence and have unique needs for support. That’s why our government funds the province-wide Support Services for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse program. This program provides specialized services including counselling, peer support, and referrals to other appropriate community support services. The program is the first of its kind in Canada and is delivered by agencies across the province. For more information, please visit the following website: www.attorneygeneral.jus.gov.on.ca/english/ovss/male_support_services/default.asp.

Through the #WhoWillYouHelp campaign, we want to challenge attitudes and help change behaviour by inspiring open dialogue about what harmful behaviour looks and feels like so that we can recognize it and intervene. And we cannot have this conversation without men – our fathers, our brothers, and our sons. Working together, and engaging all Ontarians in this conversation, we can create a province where everyone is free from the fear of sexual violence or harassment.

Our government’s plan, It’s Never Okay: An Action Plan to Stop Sexual Violence and Harassment, will help change attitudes, improve supports for survivors who come forward about abuse, and make workplaces and campuses safer and more responsive to complaints about sexual violence and harassment. We’ll also focus on root causes and generational change by teaching our young people about gender equality, consent, and healthy, equal relationships.

To learn more about the action plan, please visit the following website: www.ontario.ca/home-and-community/we-can-all-help-stop-sexual-violence.

We all have a role to play in stopping sexual violence and harassment. Every Ontarian can make change happen by taking action and challenging attitudes to help build a safe, fair and respectful society for all.

Thank you again for writing and sharing your thoughts.

Sincerely,

Ontario Ministry of Citizenship, Immigration & International Trade (MCIIT) and Women’s Issues


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A Name Is A Name!

28 July 2014 by mindfulsupport


People don’t realize how damaging sexual abuse is to survivors. People don’t understand that the emotional abuse far outweighs the physical / sexual abuse. Even though the sexual abuse occurred many years ago the affects are still present. With help from my therapist and the great people that I have met along the way through my recovery groups, I started to get back the control and voice that I have lost a long time ago.

I was a prisoner without the prison bars, here’s one of my stories of my past.

One day a bunch of people (I was approximately 11 years old) were at the neighbourhood pool and we were all sitting by the pool deck passing the time. One guy started talking about the abuser, with the knowledge that he was abusing me, regular conversation as if I was not even there and he couldn’t remember his name. I recall he was getting frustrated with not remembering his name and I made the mistake and opened my mouth and I blurted his name. They all laughed at me. I died on that spot and my brain went into survival mode and just shut down. In my case, many people knew about the abuse, teenagers up to adults and they chose to ridicule me instead of labeling it, what it was, ABUSE! I was crippled by their actions and I didn’t really understand the affects of their abuse towards me until I was an adult and in recovery.  It took me 30 years to say his name again. I’ve met many people named Jimmy over the years and I refused to call them by name without their knowledge. I would just pick random nicknames and go with the flow.

One of my many fears was that my soon to be ex-wife would want to name our son Jimmy when he was born. I knew that I would never let that happen and I would have argued that point till I won the battle. No consequence could justify me naming my son Jimmy, without ever revealing the truth of why I didn’t want to baptize him Jimmy. As a reminder, I didn’t tell my wife about the abuse until after 17 years of marriage. My reasoning would have to be hidden in my half truths because at the time talking about the abuse was not an option!

Also, as a child, people used to call me Junior as it was my middle name. When I became an adult, I legally changed my name and I also removed the Junior part. I wanted to disconnect myself from my past and everything about the name “Junior” brought back bad memories.

During my recovery, I started to get back my voice and strength and was taught a name is a name. I put so much value on the names that it affected my day to day life.  Non-survivors just don’t understand the indirect pain associated with sexual and emotional abuse.

On a different note, I recently read an article about a father that walked in on an 18 year old abusing his son. He basically beat up the abuser and the police did not find a valid reason to charge the father. Good job to the father and police to dealing with incident appropriately. The times are changing!

Thanks for reading.

Stay strong and you’re no longer alone.

Junior


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I have come to terms the perpetrator got away with abusing me.

16 June 2014 by mindfulsupport


It’s been a while since my last blog. In 2013 I was hungry to have my day in criminal court. I was looking for justice for the crimes committed against me. Unfortunately that day never came around. The reality is I was chasing something that was impossible for me to catch. Regardless of what punishment they gave the perpetrator, they could not do to him what he did to me. Even if they could make him suffer for the 30 years that I have suffered, it still would not make me whole. Nobody has the power to give me back my youth and 25 years of my adulthood. The best thing I can do now is to find a way to get back my life from this day forward. I don’t have yesterday however I do have today. The difference between yesterday and today is the understanding and the knowledge that I have learned during my healing journey. This would not be possible if it wasn’t for the people before me who had the courage to come forward and be my voice even before I knew that I had lost mine.

In my healing journey, I had many “aha moments” the most recent one, I have come to terms in my heart and mind that the perpetrator got away with abusing me. By accepting this new revelation, it actually allowed me to find some more inner peace. In my case, I went through the shame and guilt stages and now I’m in the accepting stage.

During my healing, I’m practicing on how to react to life’s challenges. Regardless if you’ve been abused or not, challenges will confront you. It’s how you respond, that’s makes the biggest difference. I used to react immediately as I believed my quickness would give me the best results. History has proven the opposite occurred. I understand now that anything important takes times to get to an educated, calculated and thoughtful decision.

My latest life challenge, my soon to be ex-wife has decided to take me to family court and go after EVERYTHING! Yes, everything and she’s lying through her teeth to achieve her goal. She had the gull to call me greedy even though I asked for less than my right so we can get on with our lives and to avoid wasted money going to legal fees. She’s on her own journey and unfortunately she’s taking it on me. In her defense, I haven’t been the greatest person to live with and it’s a shame that after 19 years of marriage, she wants to financially cripple me. I can understand and respect her decision to move on however I’m about to get out of being under the water and her actions are just being malicious towards me.

Thoughts of suicide (a topic nobody wants to talk about) in my experience are common thoughts with survivors. Perhaps I will leave that one for another blog.

It’s sad that my wife could not move on and leave me alone. She’s made the unnecessary decision that we both cannot live in the world at the same time.  If the judge believes her lies and is successful I will be sentenced to a life of misery! I still have hope the truth will prevail. It saddens me that I have to say that my wife has to die (cancer, not by my hands) for me to live. It didn’t have to be this way, too bad she doesn’t see that.

Thanks for reading.

Stay strong and you’re no longer alone.


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The perpetrator that abused me was murdered.

25 March 2014 by mindfulsupport


I was informed that the perpetrator that abused me was murdered, not to worry, not by my hands! I will not lie, as the news put a smile on my face. Even though I didn’t get my day in the criminal court (the justice system is currently pathetic and only protects the perpetrator.) The times are changing and we are moving in the right direction. Hopefully this generation and future ones will have an easier path to follow if they decide to go down that road. That’s a story for another day. As you can see, sometimes I go off topic and I’m ok with that.

I received satisfaction in this rough justice and happiness went through my body. I will not feel guilty in having thoughts that he suffered prior to his dying. The newspaper articles stated that his friends said he was a caring, loving man however they didn’t know the truth, that he was a pedophile and caused pain and suffering to many. I know as a fact I wasn’t his only victim. I’m not a fan of breaking the law however in this case I would like to buy the murderer (don’t know who it is) a nice big ass steak! Maybe I will order it and it eat on his behalf. 🙂 There was no loss to our society by his death! He was a virus and he was finally removed.

Hopefully this current event will allow me to get the final piece that I need to put closure to my past. I will put my energy elsewhere, focusing on my present and future. I will focus on positive thinking and to do things that I love to do. Also have an open mind to new adventures and appreciate the journey as I’m doing them. Up to now, the past has cost me everything and its time I take back what’s rightfully mine.

Starting with my mind, its mine, I own it and control it.

Thanks for reading.

Stay strong and you’re no longer alone.


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Put The Glass Down

24 January 2014 by mindfulsupport


It’s been a while, life is hard and tiring especially when you’re playing catch up all the time. It’s draining physically and emotionally. I got so caught up with dealing with my past (process of laying charges however the prosecutor informed me that there is not enough evidence to pursue it) and present (process of separation) situations I forgot to have fun. I watched a video where the speaker (forgot her name) was holding a glass of water. She referenced how it’s not how heavy the glass is, it’s how long you hold it up in the air. Holding the glass for 5 min, no big deal, holding it for a day, your arm will hurt, imagine the pain, holding the glass for 20 years! That glass can represent shame, guilt and sorrow. The weight of constantly carrying the pain is unbearable. The speaker stated how it’s important to put the glass down nightly. Give yourself a break. Take the night off and pick up the glass the following day. I was glad to hear that advice as I NEVER put the glass down. I put the glass down and I went had fun, I gave myself a well deserved a break. I even booked a cruise, something I’ve always wanted to do and made excuses why not to go. I WILL put the glass down for the week and on my return I will pick up the glass again and take them on, relaxed, refreshed and reenergized!

I would like to suggest that you consider putting your glass down for the night. Life is hard and we don’t need to add more added guilt to ourselves.

Stay strong and you’re no longer alone.


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Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back

07 November 2013 by mindfulsupport


This blog is a vent!!! However let’s see how many agree with me.

I want to be clear, abusing women and children is unacceptable under any circumstances. Why are men exempt from the statement??? By omitting men implies it is acceptable to abuse men regardless of the circumstances. Men have the right as well to be free of abuse.

Another organization has been created to help woman and children. Dr Phil’s wife Robin (yes I am a Dr. Phil fan) created When Georgia Smiled: The Robin McGraw Foundation to help Women and children. There is also a section where they focus on boys to educate them from becoming “bad men”. Dr. Phil has dropped the ball, perhaps he’s appealing to his fan base which are mostly women. I guess he’s forgetting that they don’t just interact or come in contact with only women, men are a part of their lives. The women that support Dr. Phil have fathers, husbands, brothers and sons. He is in a position to actually make a difference and bring a direct spotlight on this issue. He has the resources, the funds and the platform to get his message across to millions of people. And yet he’s focusing on women and children, nothing new.

On the Dr. Phil’s show they were promoting an app for women to download and use when they are in danger. When activated, it starts recording the conversation (for evidence) and it calls your predetermined contacts that you selected. That’s ridiculous. This goes to the women that they are trying to reach. If you have the common sense to understand that you need the app, please don’t wait to get assaulted / abused one more time. Find a shelter or safe place to go, get your children, grab your ID’s, valuables, cash and GO. You don’t need to set him up and record him, you probably have enough evidence and you don’t need to take one more for the team. Chances are, if you activate the app and the call goes to your contact and they come over to protect you and starts beating up the bad man (not disagreeing if your guy gets a few) our justice system will make an example of your protector then the abuser. Justice system is another joke.

I’m the uneducated one here but the concept of helping ONLY women and children is not working don’t they see that. For decades more and more of these foundations are opening and they cannot keep up. Hence two steps forward, three steps back. They are beating a dead horse!! It’s time to try something crazy and different. INCLUDE MEN!!

The Gatehouse is a template for other organizations to use. They treat men and woman equally. It has programs for men, women and youths. These programs run on separate nights to ensure a safe and comfortable environment for all.

Continue to have the women and children sections, they are needed and should be promoted. All I’m asking is to add ONE more section, get ready and wait for it….MEN!!! Let men know its ok to ask for help and get help without offending their manhood. In the scenario above with the woman looking for help, grab some information from the organization that is helping her and when she actually leaves the abuse, leave a note with the information from the organization that helps and supports men experiencing abuse. The message for the man states she left and why. He knows he has an anger problem but what a gift you’re giving him, letting the man know where and who can help figure out why the anger is there in the first place. You can possibly help save the next woman from trauma.

The terminology needs to change from man-bad, woman –good to: there are people that are bad and people that are good.  Clearly there are bad women, there are so many of them that they have their own prisons unless you believe they are all innocent. They have the ability to be as evil as men. Until we approach the problems differently, nothing will change.

There is enough evidence that proves women can assault and abuse, stop protecting them. If you are still one of those people that believe women can’t do wrong and men cannot be a victim then you are a DONKEY from this day forward. I don’t want to get into specific numbers on the percentage of men to women. Does it really matter, do we have to wait for it to be a 50/50 before it is dealt with properly.

Thanks for reading.

Stay strong and you’re no longer alone.


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Abuse community

29 October 2013 by mindfulsupport


I’m new to Twitter and it’s amazing to see how immense the abuse community is. We live in a society that puts more focus on the well being of elephants and polar bears than it does men! Wouldn’t it be nice to one day see a billboard promoting a recovery program solely for men.  I’ve heard it a few times that it takes approximately 20 years to start to come to terms the affects of abuse. There is nothing anyone can do to give me back my 20’s, however right now there is somebody in their 20’s who is confused and not sure what to do. We can help give them the future they need and deserve. Hopefully with all the attention the subject of abuse is receiving we can begin to reduce the time frame to heal. Victims need to know that they are not alone and help is available. We do not have a main spokesman like Bob Barker who represents animal rights but that’s in the making. It’s just a matter of time before one person takes the lead. In the meantime, we have many people spreading the word for the cause. We are like little magnets and as we grow and connect so does are strength.

I just want to thank everyone for doing their part.

Stay strong and you’re no longer alone.


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The truth about myths

11 October 2013 by mindfulsupport


Myths, it was the myths that prevented me from getting help. The shame and guilt that was placed upon me due to these myths were too overwhelming for one person to handle on their own. When the last straw that broke the camel’s back, I went looking for help. It was during my recovery I was educated and informed on society’s mythical beliefs to be wrong.  The reality was the opposite of what I believed. Once these myths were put in perspective I was able to start my healing journey.
Don’t allow these myths to run or ruin your life. The times are changing and the truth is coming to light.
There is help and there is hope.
Common myths can be found at http://www.mindfulsupport.com/myths/

Stay strong and you’re no longer alone.


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No justice in the justice system

22 September 2013 by mindfulsupport


The more I’m in recovery the more I realize how screwed up society is. I heard it so many times, “there is no justice in the justice system.” Now, I’m one of those guys saying it as well. Over a year from the day I first laid charges, I’m no further ahead than before starting the process. The investigator is basically giving me the run around by saying, “we are trying to build the case”. Even though she talked to the perpetrator (of course he denied the accusations) and he confirmed living in the neighbourhood. That’s not enough to prove identity, she wants more. I haven’t seen the fuck-head in thirty years and I reconnected with a family that presently knows him now and knew him back then. They can verify identity 100%. They were told that they are only verifying the person’s identity as the same person they knew, not witnesses to the abuse, and they are choosing not to cooperate.
The times are changing and people are going to have to choose as I’m going to call everyone out! You’re either against rapists/molesters/pedophiles or for them. Sitting out in the bleachers watching this unfold is no longer an option. Your silence only protects one person, the RAPIST. You need to either speak out against the horrible crimes or support them.
Angie and your family, congratulations on your choice to choose to protect the rapist, sleep well at night.


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